I’ve been doing it for years and it’s no secret, k? I sometimes lie about what I do for a living. Some people might consider my job somewhat glamorous so yeah, when I’m at Soho House WeHo and I don’t feel like listening to the 30 minute agent pitch, yeah, I lie about my job. So what? Get off me, ok? You’d do it too if you had to listen to a 15 minute one-sided convo on why their D-list reality star client should work with YOUR brand. Fuck…off.
Anywho, one day I decided that instead of getting mad, I was gonna just have FUN. A few months ago I decided to let loose on one of these “agents” and instead of telling him what I really do, I told him I was a high school teacher. But not just ANY teacher…an ENGLISH TEACHER. Please note, I can mock english teachers because my mother is an english teacher and fully admits that she’s barely done ANY work whatsover, since grad school. Good for her.
I digress. This boy/man immediately asked me if I was “in the industry” so I felt NO REMORSE when I decided to let loose on him. “so…what do you do?” he asked. “I’m…an english teacher,” I replied back. Yep, I’m stickin’ with it, bitch.
“So where do you teach?” SHIT. Where DO I TEACH? I’m from NEW YORK. How the hell do I know high schools in LA? I replied with the only logical answer: West Beverly Hills High, or “West Bev,” as I called it. DUH.
For anyone who doesn’t know, “West Bev” is a totally made up high school that the cast of the original Beverly Hills 90210 cast attended back in the 90s. I obviously expected him to tell me to go fuck myself up a river so when he replied “ooooh, cool!” I didn’t know what to do with myself…so I went with it, naturally.
“yeah…I’m really close with my students. They’re just fantastic.” “oh yeah?” he replied. “yep, I’ve got these twins- Brenda and Brandon, from Minnesota, they’re so smart and down to earth. Then I’ve got Donna- she’s dyslexic but she’s super artistic and has a heart of GOLD. Oh, and how can I not mention Steve?! He’s the little engine that could. He’s gotten into major trouble but I have faith that he’ll pull through and do something (maybe a charity donation?!) amazing in the end that will win colleges over. Ugh, and let’s not forget Dylan. He’s been through THE RINGER but has somehow made it work, even through parent murders and substance abuse. Ugh, and then there’s my Andrea. She’s my token Jew (even though Beverly Hills is ALL Jew) from the wrong side of the tracks. I predict that she will go to Yale! I’d bet my life on it! But she’ll be back…mark my words.”
“Holy shit, you’re like mother Theresa!” the guy said. Puh-lease…it’s all in a day’s work at West Beverly Hills High.
I AM going to hell.
I consider myself a D.I.Y/crafter of sorts, which usually entails reusing different things such as wine bottles. So many things can be made with just one bottle! For instance: sconce, table centerpiece, wall display, flower vase. All these things sound like perfect gifts for friends so I started keeping all of my used wine bottles to accomplish said crafts on the weekends. Has this ever really happened? No. Will it ever happen? Uncertain, but probably not…which I blame on my libra-ness. I decided to do the right thing and take all the bottles to the trash because to be honest, I’ll have more in no time.
This is when my neighbor stepped in and had an intervention with me. I don’t know if this has ever happened to you but rest assured it is uncomfortable when you try to plead your case that you aren’t an alcoholic. This is of course what happens when you gather 5 months worth of wine bottles and decide to throw them out ALL AT ONCE. Shit, I would think I was a drunk too if I saw me!
I’ve learned my lesson that I need to throw out my bottles in small stages so as not to draw attention to myself. What? Did you think I was going to say drink less wine?! NEVER!!!
I’ve always liked cats. But guess what? I’ve always liked dogs as well. This does not mean that I will die alone with 12 felines who will eventually end up eating my rotting corpse. Graphic, I apologize. My point is this – I had a cat for almost 17 years and every guy (yes, every single one) I dated made the obligatory “oh, you’re into cats” comment. Well FUUUUUCK YOU LOSERS. THAT is what I say now.
Why is it that a guy can be totally obsessed with his dog (see Chuck Bass!) and it’s totally “cute” and “normal” but when a woman is into her ONE CAT (not TWELVE!) and she’s automatically a crazy cat lady spinster who will die alone.
What you might not know is the fact that cats are AWESOME. Not hating on dogs but facts are facts: cats are cleaner and you can leave them alone for a night or two and they won’t shit all over your house (unless you’re watching MY cat, that bitch did whatever she wanted…RIP my little Angel) Anyway, cats get a bum wrap and I’m sick of it. Spread the word.