I’ve been doing it for years and it’s no secret, k?  I sometimes lie about what I do for a living.  Some people might consider my job somewhat glamorous so yeah, when I’m at Soho House WeHo and I don’t feel like listening to the 30 minute agent  pitch, yeah, I lie about my job.  So what? Get off me, ok?  You’d do it too if you had to listen to a 15 minute one-sided convo on why their D-list reality star client should work with YOUR brand.  Fuck…off.

Anywho, one day I decided that instead of getting mad, I was gonna just have FUN.  A few months ago I decided to let loose on one of these “agents” and instead of telling him what I really do, I told him I was a high school teacher.  But not just ANY teacher…an ENGLISH TEACHER.  Please note, I can mock english teachers because my mother is an english teacher and fully admits that she’s barely done ANY work whatsover, since grad school.  Good for her.

I digress.  This boy/man immediately asked me if I was “in the industry” so I felt NO REMORSE when I decided to let loose on him.  “so…what do you do?” he asked.  “I’m…an english teacher,” I replied back.  Yep, I’m stickin’ with it, bitch.

“So where do you teach?”  SHIT.  Where DO I TEACH?  I’m from NEW YORK.  How the hell do I know high schools in LA?  I replied with the only logical answer:  West Beverly Hills High, or “West Bev,” as I called it.  DUH.

For anyone who doesn’t know, “West Bev” is a totally made up high school that the cast of the original Beverly Hills 90210 cast attended back in the 90s.  I obviously expected him to tell me to go fuck myself up a river so when he replied “ooooh, cool!” I didn’t know what to do with myself…so I went with it, naturally.

“yeah…I’m really close with my students.  They’re just fantastic.”  “oh yeah?” he replied.  “yep, I’ve got these twins- Brenda and Brandon, from Minnesota, they’re so smart and down to earth.  Then I’ve got Donna- she’s dyslexic but she’s super artistic and has a heart of GOLD.  Oh, and how can I not mention Steve?!  He’s the little engine that could. He’s gotten into major trouble but I have faith that he’ll pull through and do something (maybe a charity donation?!) amazing in the end that will win colleges over.  Ugh, and let’s not forget Dylan.  He’s been through THE RINGER but has somehow made it work, even through parent murders and substance abuse.  Ugh, and then there’s my Andrea.  She’s my token Jew (even though Beverly Hills is ALL Jew) from the wrong side of the tracks.  I predict that she will go to Yale!  I’d bet my life on it!  But she’ll be back…mark my words.”

“Holy shit, you’re like mother Theresa!” the guy said.  Puh-lease…it’s all in a day’s work at West Beverly Hills High.

I AM going to hell.

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