Halloween. The one holiday in which women are given a huge pass to basically show up to a party completely naked. I feel like every year I see women who are trying to out-skank and out-offend the previous year…don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure I know of one person who is planning a “Sexy Kim Jong-un” costume. I, on the other hand, take pride in becoming the weirdest, ugliest and funniest person I can possibly be.
Let’s take this past year as an example. I decided, after much consideration and countless hours of research, to go through Halloween 2012 as Dooneese from SNL (played by Kristen Wiig). If you don’t know this character then…you must not like to laugh and therefore why are you reading this blog? Just kidding…but seriously. I was outfitted in a bald cap to make a huge forehead and glued tiny baby hands (that I amputated from a doll) onto a 40’s style dress. I didn’t break character at the party and continued to sing weird ass songs which turned off some potential gentlemen callers, but you would have to be the freakiest of guys to hit on me – think something out of TLC’s Strange Sex. Like, what if someone asked me out and then I had to wear tiny baby hands for the date? And then, I would be afraid to take them off and would continue to lie to him until one day he catches me, red full-size handed, and he leaves me. There’s nothing more depressing than getting dumped by a man who has a tiny baby hand fetish..besides actually dating a man with a tiny baby hand fetish.
I may not be getting laid on Halloween (or ever, who the hell am I kidding), but at least I’m not getting a weird infection from cheap latex cat suits purchased on Hollywood Blvd. The only thing I’m buying on Hollywood Blvd is a bacon wrapped hot dog…but I’ll leave that for another post.