Author Archives: dhssb

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Halloween. The one holiday in which women are given a huge pass to basically show up to a party completely naked. I feel like every year I see women who are trying to out-skank and out-offend the previous year…don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure I know of one person who is planning a “Sexy Kim Jong-un” costume. I, on the other hand, take pride in becoming the weirdest, ugliest and funniest person I can possibly be.

Let’s take this past year as an example. I decided, after much consideration and countless hours of research, to go through Halloween 2012 as Dooneese from SNL (played by Kristen Wiig). If you don’t know this character then…you must not like to laugh and therefore why are you reading this blog? Just kidding…but seriously. I was outfitted in a bald cap to make a huge forehead and glued tiny baby hands (that I amputated from a doll) onto a 40’s style dress. I didn’t break character at the party and continued to sing weird ass songs which turned off some potential gentlemen callers, but you would have to be the freakiest of guys to hit on me –  think something out of TLC’s Strange Sex.  Like, what if someone asked me out and then I had to wear tiny baby hands for the date? And then, I would be afraid to take them off and would continue to lie to him until one day he catches me, red full-size handed, and he leaves me. There’s nothing more depressing than getting dumped by a man who has a tiny baby hand fetish..besides actually dating a man with a tiny baby hand fetish.

I may not be getting laid on Halloween (or ever, who the hell am I kidding), but at least I’m not getting a weird infection from cheap latex cat suits purchased on Hollywood Blvd. The only thing I’m buying on Hollywood Blvd is a bacon wrapped hot dog…but I’ll leave that for another post.

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I consider myself a D.I.Y/crafter of sorts, which usually entails reusing different things such as wine bottles. So many things can be made with just one bottle! For instance: sconce, table centerpiece, wall display, flower vase. All these things sound like perfect gifts for friends so I started keeping all of my used wine bottles to accomplish said crafts on the weekends. Has this ever really happened? No. Will it ever happen? Uncertain, but probably not…which I blame on my libra-ness.  I decided to do the right thing and take all the bottles to the trash because to be honest, I’ll have more in no time.

This is when my neighbor stepped in and had an intervention with me. I don’t know if this has ever happened to you but rest assured it is uncomfortable when you try to plead your case that you aren’t an alcoholic. This is of course what happens when you gather 5 months worth of wine bottles and decide to throw them out ALL AT ONCE. Shit, I would think I was a drunk too if I saw me!

I’ve learned my lesson that I need to throw out my bottles in small stages so as not to draw attention to myself. What? Did you think I was going to say drink less wine?! NEVER!!!


Saying that you like country music in Los Angeles is like saying you like to piss in holy water at the Vatican. As soon as those two words are mentioned people start to form a whole new opinion about you. Things like: You lived on a farm, you’ve tipped a cow, you rode a tractor to school, your favorite beer is Natural Ice and you dated your cousin. None of these apply to me at all, or else I doubt I would be living in Los Angeles people (although I have drank Natty Ice numerous times and my Dad’s family farms).

What is it that is so offensive about this type of music? Is it so strange that I can listen to She & Him and also listen to Miranda Lambert? You know what IS offensive? The lack of country bars in this town! Where does one need to go in order to do a little line dancing ya’ll? Apparently an hour away. On the ride there, you and your friends will be talking about all the cowboys you will meet and dance with to some George Straight like it was fucking Hope Floats. But you know what the reality is? You will end up getting smashed off of Bud Light, sitting all night because only people who KNOW how to line dance are allowed on the floor, making out with someone missing a few teeth and then start crying at Denny’s about how hopeless your life is. Or at least that’s what I’m told happens…


 

This post is specifically to show that some people just do not think before they speak, or maybe they do and are just a bunch of bitches. Three years ago I was chillin’ with friends at the Red Lion in Silverlake, drinking some beers and eating some fish and chips. A girl walks up to our table and asks that question that everyone loves:

Hipster girl – “Do you know who you look like?”

Attention! This is a loaded question. You don’t want to be that asshole who answers this question, but you don’t want to have to fake a thank you when you have already heard their answer before. I played dumb.

Me – “Who?”

Hipster Girl – “Barbra Streisand!”

Now…I have been told I look like many people, but never in my life has that person been Barbra Streisand. Really? Barbra fucking Streisand? I couldn’t even get a YOUNG Barbra, not even a Barbra in Funny Girl?  Nothing makes you feel better than being told you look like a 68 year old who has a huge nose which in turn gave me complex about my nose…one that I never had! Who the hell says that anyway? I don’t know, maybe it’s a hipster thing to tell people their doppelganger is someone they would least expect ever.

I have learned a few things from this experience. First, if this question arises be prepared for a retaliation doppelganger. Some good ones include Tim Curry, Liza Minneli, Aretha Franklin and Steve Buscemi to name a few. Second, I need to track this bitch down and give her all my therapist bills to pay…she caused this complex! Third, this needs to be included in my online dating profile. Just think of all the interesting men I would get to go on dates with?


Quoting movies can be a good or bad thing depending on how knowledgeable the surrounding people are of said movie. I have a quote for basically anything here at work, no matter what someone says and it usually is from a Will Ferrell movie. You mention baby jesus? I give you a Talladega Nights quote. You mention Bed, Bath and Beyond? I give you a little Old School. Usually it’s funny to me, but hardly anyone knows what I’m talking about which means I have to explain it making it NOT funny.

This excessive quoting comes out even more when I am nervous so you can imagine what I act like on a date or in a setting with lots of attractive men. I embarrass  the shit out of myself. One day at the office I was walking into the mailroom right when male coworker #1 asked male coworker #2 what was in the box. NOW, myself having no filter proceeds to reenact, in my best Brad Pitt, the ending scene from Seven. They did not get it. There’s nothing more embarrassing than yelling “What’s in the box??!” to two men who have no clue what you are talking about. At that point you either have to pretend you are on drugs or just turn and walk away like nothing happened.

But the question is, would I want to date someone who doesn’t know what I’m talking about? I’m not sure but if you can’t tell me that “Milk was a bad choice!” came from Anchorman….than I will have to say good day sir!


By now I’m sure you have come to realize that I am basically the female version of BIG. Ever since I was young, my brother and I have always been obsessed with dinosaurs and have yet to grow out of it. It’s really hard to explain to someone at the office why you have glow-in-the-dark T-Rex’s in your cubicle, especially once they find out that you DON’T have any children. It gets a little awkward at that point.

I have to admit that 2 years ago my birthday theme at the bar was Jurassic Park. Now, you may be thinking “Wow, D you had a Jurassic Park themed party AT the bar IN LOS ANGELES?” Hell yes I did and everyone who came had an amazing time. My one friend even dressed up as a raptor for christ’s sake and the bartender played the theme song on his iPod. If a J.P. party doesn’t get you laid, I don’t know what will at this point. 2 weeks later I met a guy in town from NYC at the bar and we were talking about his upcoming birthday plans. I am NOT shitting you, he was having a Jurassic Park party. What. The. Eff. I met my soulmate and then I let him slip away into the night. No number, no nothing. I should have google stalked HIM and shown up to his party dressed as a sex-i-saurus so we could start our weird fetish life together! Maybe one day I will find the Ross to my Rachel.


I’m not sure how Klout determines what topics I am influential in, but this algorithm is really hurting my dating life. When first signing up for Klout, I honestly thought my list would read like something out of an indie magazine with music, humor and fashion at the top. Because I AM influential in these things…or at least I thought. Instead, I’ve compiled a list that makes me look like a sadistic cat lady. Above, you can see a screenshot of my top 5 which include Latex, Horror, Salmon, Juice and Cats. WOW. Based on this all I picture is myself in a full latex suit, murdering people while a bunch of cats run around me in my apartment. I’m the Michelle Pfeiffer of the real world! I swear Klout is just effing with me at this point. I don’t even have a cat but somehow I influence people in them?  More importantly than looking like a psycho, I have yet to qualify for a legitimate perk like the rest of my friends. Where is my latex cat suit? I’m influential in the damn thing and I can’t even get a free Halloween costume out of it! The  only thing that could possibly make it any worse is if self-help books made their way to this list.